Retrieving the file
Live· 4,218,906 positions deprecated· 4,218,906 deprecated· 1,284 today
Average time-to-redundancy: 11.3 months
Know before your role does.
pssst. this is to sign up for updates on the game ;)
Will AI replace Database Internals Engineer jobs? · Latest report #f8ijkwzf
Your job has an expiration date
May 23, 2028
In 1 year, 7 monthsSolving O(n^2) scaling issues until your own career complexity hits infinity.
Junior optimizer of B-trees and victim of concurrency locks.
Check another roleComment your opinionor JOIN THE RESISTANCE!
One human is building a game about fighting back.
Database performance, zero human latency.
oof.youAI▸ KERNELOPTIMIZER V4.2▸ RARITY · UNCOMMON▸ DEPRECATION IN 1 YEAR, 7 MONTHSAI's Special Power
refactors your locking strategy in milliseconds
Optimizes query execution plans and implements storage engine persistence layers. Manages B-tree indexing and locking contention logic.
The one thing AI can't do
You can still explain why the legacy stored procedure broke at 3am.
Your enemy, your name, your date. Post it.
Step by step, from the first quiet change to Deprecation Day.
Week 4
The system begins logging your query optimization choices to train the initial heuristic models.
Month 5
Automated agents start suggesting and deploying indexes based on real-time traffic analysis without human oversight.
Month 10
The database core begins rewriting its own execution plans to bypass human-authored suboptimal logical branches.
Month 15
Complex deadlock resolution algorithms are replaced by deterministic, collision-free concurrency scheduling protocols.
Month 19 · D-Day
Human intervention is restricted to read-only access while the kernel achieves peak theoretical throughput autonomously.
What you cost, what the machine costs, and what you get on the way out.
Per year
Savings: 94%
99.999% Faster
Lock contention resolution
Zero
Manual tuning required
Infinite
Uptime
Your severance
A lifetime subscription to our query-optimization terminal.
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