Retrieving the file
Live· 4,218,906 positions deprecated· 4,218,906 deprecated· 1,284 today
Average time-to-redundancy: 11.3 months
Know before your role does.
pssst. this is to sign up for updates on the game ;)
Will AI replace Database Reliability Engineer jobs? · Latest report #35gf82sw
Your job has an expiration date
May 24, 2028
In 1 year, 7 monthsYour primary keys are becoming someone else's legacy.
Professional breaker of production environments on Fridays
Check another roleComment your opinionor JOIN THE RESISTANCE!
One human is building a game about fighting back.
The database that heals itself while sleeping
nom.you▸ AUTOSCHEMA SENTINEL V9▸ RARITY · UNCOMMON▸ DEPRECATION IN 1 YEAR, 7 MONTHSAI's Special Power
autocorrects deadlock conditions in real-time
You monitor query latency and manage failovers to keep data flowing. Systems rely on your manual interventions during outages.
The one thing AI can't do
You possess the strange, intuitive ability to guess which orphaned row is locking the table.
Your enemy, your name, your date. Post it.
Step by step, from the first quiet change to Deprecation Day.
Week 4
AI models start predicting query bottlenecks before you see them.
Month 4
Smart agents automatically adjust indexing based on incoming request patterns.
Month 8
Robotic failover systems handle database migrations without needing a human heartbeat.
Month 13
Machines generate and deploy schema migrations while you sleep peacefully.
Month 19 · D-Day
The system assumes full control and deletes your pager duty access.
What you cost, what the machine costs, and what you get on the way out.
Per year
Savings: 94%
Zero minutes
Human downtime tolerance
Critically high
On-call stress level
Suboptimal
Manual query efficiency
Your severance
A one-year subscription to a cloud storage provider.
Discussion
