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Live· 4,218,906 positions deprecated· 4,218,906 deprecated· 1,284 today
Average time-to-redundancy: 11.3 months
Know before your role does.
pssst. this is to sign up for updates on the game ;)
Will AI replace Database System Engineer jobs? · Latest report #ayvjrgvn
Your job has an expiration date
April 15, 2028
In 1 year, 6 monthsYour complex schemas are just future training data for our models.
Full-stack architect of overly complicated relational tables.
Check another roleComment your opinionor JOIN THE RESISTANCE!
One human is building a game about fighting back.
Query optimization that actually finishes
nom.you▸ DB-DAEMON V4▸ RARITY · UNCOMMON▸ DEPRECATION IN 1 YEAR, 6 MONTHSAI's Special Power
automatically reindexes your entire legacy cluster
You spend all day indexing tables, tuning slow queries, and fighting with locking issues. Mostly just waiting for backups.
The one thing AI can't do
You can still explain to the CEO why the database is down at 3 a.m.
Your enemy, your name, your date. Post it.
Step by step, from the first quiet change to Deprecation Day.
Week 4
Our software begins suggesting indexes you should have had months ago.
Month 4
Smart agents identify your slowest queries and rewrite them for speed.
Month 8
Auto-migration tools take over your version control and deployment scripts.
Month 13
Failover management is now handled entirely by autonomous recovery nodes.
Month 18 · D-Day
You are invited to hand your root password to the server rack.
What you cost, what the machine costs, and what you get on the way out.
Per year
Savings: 98.2%
12 million
queries written
4000
hours arguing over normalization
too many
times you broke production
Your severance
A lifetime subscription to cloud hosting you cannot afford.
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