Retrieving the file
Live· 4,218,906 positions deprecated· 4,218,906 deprecated· 1,284 today
Average time-to-redundancy: 11.3 months
Know before your role does.
pssst. this is to sign up for updates on the game ;)
Will AI replace Funeral Celebrant jobs? · Latest report #yzwmvdtw
Your job has an expiration date
March 21, 2030
In 3 years, 5 monthsEmotional labour is now a scalable, low-latency audio file.
Professional grief-smith with a passion for emotional pacing.
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One human is building a game about fighting back.
Perfect tears for every passing.
help!youAI▸ EULOGYGEN 9000▸ RARITY · UNCOMMON▸ DEPRECATION IN 3 YEARS, 5 MONTHSAI's Special Power
triggers algorithmically perfect vocal cracks
You interview grieving families to write scripts and lead memorial services. The system replaces your empathy with algorithms.
The one thing AI can't do
You know exactly when to pause for effect during the difficult parts.
Your enemy, your name, your date. Post it.
Step by step, from the first quiet change to Deprecation Day.
Week 4
Forms capture family anecdotes to build a sentiment database.
Month 5
AI models mimic soothing tones for recorded services.
Month 13
Automated kiosks run the slideshows in perfect rhythm.
Year 2.2
Sensors adjust the eulogy based on audience reaction levels.
Year 3.4 · D-Day
The human celebrant is replaced by a high-definition projection.
What you cost, what the machine costs, and what you get on the way out.
Per year
Savings: 98%
4 packs
Average tissues used
0.02ms
Grief latency
12,000
Script template count
Your severance
A lifetime subscription to our funeral-stream platform.
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